I honestly believe…

There’s something broke inside of me. It’s like a stick’s stuck in my spokes. A hole’s filling up my boat. A piece of meat’s lodged in my throat, on winters’ eve without a coat.

-Joshua Martinez

23
May

swinging on heaven’s door.

(via youwontfindmee)

22
May

38

#swinging on heavens door

Via: nukethe-whales

"Dating feels just like a long, expensive audition to try to earn someone’s heart and/or private parts."

- Joshua Martinez

Seize the night!

By: Joshua Martinez

If there is a limit to how much I can bear, I believe that I am dangerously close to it. However, somehow I’m going to get through this. If I can make it through this, I will have nothing left to fear,

-joshua martinez

#nothing left to fear

(via shake-it-like-a-p0lar0id-pictcha)

02
May

8537

Via: dysaphia

"Love each other. The answer really is that simple but no one seems to realize it."

- Joshua Martinez

Remember This…

1. I would have done literally ANYTHING for you.

2. My whole life would have been a dedication to yours.

3. You walked away from me, not the other way around.

4. I waited for you…I spent my best years waiting for you to change your heart.

5. You are the love of my life but now it is time for me to find another.

6. I truly believe that one day you’re going to regret that you gave up on us; but by the time you do, it will be too late.

7. I don’t hate myself enough to keep loving you. I can’t be your backup plan anymore.

8. I wanted to be your knight in rusted armor. I wanted to marry you in a castle and live happily ever after in this crazy ass world. I didn’t want this to be the end of our story; it’s too damn sad and anti-climactic. However, maybe it was never meant to go any further than it did. Perhaps, we were only designed to be together for a season and now that season has changed.

9. I never thought I’d say it but I’m letting you go now. The chase is over and you are free.

10. Thank you for your love. Knowing you has helped me know myself.

-Joshua Martinez

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, It might have been."

- John Greenleaf Whittier (via decrepito)

(via iammime)

couldn’t agree more.

"Take a chance or die wondering what could have been."

- Joshua Martinez

#what could have been

#Joshua Martinez

The Most Honest Thing I’ve ever written…

If I’m going to have a blog called fullfrontaltruth, it’s only fair that I start living up to that name. Here goes, I have severe anxiety disorder and deep depression. That doesn’t mean that I walk around with razor blades, shop at hot topic and feel sorry for myself all day. It just means that some mornings are harder than others to fight my way out of bed. It’s a genuine battle occasionally to leave my own apartment. That being said, I don’t consider myself to be a sad person. I always try to remain positive and focus on the good in life. I have some amazing friends and I have lots to be grateful for. I’ll never forget that. I also have art as my salvation. However, when you have clinical depression, it’s like a constant chase to escape the dark cloud that tries to follow you wherever you go but I will never stop running or give up.

There was a time in high school that I almost did come very close to forfeiting the battle. I’ve only shared this story with 3 other people but if it helps one person, that’s enough for me. It was late at night, I had a butcher knife in my hand that I had grabbed from the kitchen. Tears were streaming down my eyes and I was ready to end my life. I had prepared no note. I wasn’t bluffing, I was ready to do it. I wasn’t a coward, I just couldn’t carry the burden anymore. My mom thankfully walked in the room and interrupted my unchangeable decision. I managed to hide it before she turned on the light and I pretended to be asleep. I was shaking in fear, with my eyes clenched tight. To this day, she has no idea that she saved my life. That night I knew that if I succeeded, I would never get to see the real ending to my story. I realized that life was too god damn short to begin with and it would be pointless to make it shorter. I’d never get to find out if I could accomplish any of the crazy goals that I desperately wanted to achieve. I would have left this world without changing it or leaving any sort of mark that I was here. I’d never get to meet the people I’ve met, change the lives I’ve hopefully helped change or be changed by the people who saved mine.

I still feel the same as my younger self. I still desperately want to see where my story goes. I’ve seen things and done things I never thought possible. I’ve worked closely with celebrities and musicians that I used to idolize as a kid. I’ve literally had my dreams start to come true but I hope that this is just the beginning.

In the hopefully not-too-distant future, I want to meet my wife one day and maybe even have a kid. I want to to try to save them from going anywhere near the path I’ve been. If I quit, I’m not just hurting myself but I’m hurting a domino/butterfly effect of people I don’t even know about yet. I firmly believe that the limitless future can overcome even the worst past. Take me for example…I had a schizophrenic preacher mom that kidnapped me from my father when I was 11 years old. We literally went on the run because she was convinced that he was trying to assassinate us. I remember nights of having to stay in hotels because she truly believed that there was a bomb in our home. I didn’t even see my dad again til I was 20 years old. I was dragged through a nearly 10 year legal battle that involved 10 court appointed psychiatrists and counselors that tried unsuccessfully to undo the brainwashing of my mother. The worst part is my dad is one of the greatest humans to ever walk the planet. I’m not telling you any of this so you feel sorry for me. Point being, you’re talking to someone who has seen some real shit in their life. I’m not just talking self help, feel good, Oprah bullshit. I’m talking from experience. It may sound cliche, but if I can overcome it, so can you.

Every day is a battle and I may not be where I want to be yet but I won’t stop until I get there or die trying. Whoever you are reading this, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Don’t quit and let’s keep fighting.